'Round in Circles

Well it's a long time since I've visited this space, but here I am with 'another' healthy eating plan under my belt.
It's not the healthy eating that's the problem it's me!  My lack or resolve, my unwillingness to break through the pain barrier and stick to anything, my lack of self belief and my inner voice telling me, 'it won't work anyway, just eat the fucking chocolate'!!!!
Anyway today is all about the JUICE!

I watched a random documentary on Netflix yesterday afternoon whilst lying on the sofa, (!) about morbidly obese people and how they'd lost weight, found health and KEPT THE WEIGHT OFF by eating mainly a plant based diet.

Now to me, one way of eating is the same as any other.  I still have to stick to it.  It could be the most delicious and divine diet ever but if it's not my norm I'm going to have to really work at it and that's the part of me that I'm still having problems with, (after 38 years of being alive).  My need has to outweigh my want or my wants are going to be my reality, (chocolate, cake, carbs, salt, fat, sugar, meat)....  Given how much I weight it's pretty clear that I have no stop button but I'm not going to beat around the bush, what's the point?  I don't do any exercise and I eat far too much.

At the minute I feel as though I'm afraid of exercise!  Doing a minimal amount of slow movement feels like a work out to me and I'm embarrassed by my lack of fitness.  Not that anyone looking my way will expect me to start doing star jumps and exotic yoga poses, but you know, I'm stuck in the mindset of the morbidly obese...... 'if I don't do anything no one will see me and I can eat this shit in secret and it's all OK..... ' It's not though is it.

Me, hubby and the kids went on a 'bat walk' the other night with members of the local wildlife group. As soon as we got there I started panicking.  I could see that we'd have to walk down a steep hill to reach the dean where the bats would be.... obviously that meant walking back UP the hill to get home. That bit was actually OK.  I puffed and panted but I was able to keep pace and no one seemed to notice.  The challenge came when the group started putting themselves through gaps in fences!  My BP must have hit the roof.  As a child the entire school would have laughed, pointed, jibed and generally mortified me when faced with a gap in a fence so of course I presume that I can't do it and that gap is like a porthole into my own personal self esteem hell.  I did it thought.  I got through the gaps but not without a moderate to large panic.

Anyway, back to the documentary....  I watched two actually.  The first one featured a woman talking about the importance of sleep which I clearly ignored as I was up until 1.30am watching the second one.

1. Hungry for Change
2. Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.

Even now I'm thinking about having some toast.  Well, I'm not, I was, but I'm not - the thought has passed. That big glass of green has filled me up! I had a green smoothie about an hour ago.  What was in it?

Half a cucumber
2 handfuls of spinach, (I hate cooked spinach... urgh).
2 handfuls of curly kale
2 red apples
2 large carrots
1 handful of parsley

It tasted quite strong due to the parsley but it certainly wasn't unpleasant.  I think it's the kind of thing you need to drink immediately - time won't do it any favours.  Then again, I'm taking a juice out with me for lunch, in a flask with ice so we'll see.  The guy in the film juiced his fruit and veg using a juicer attached to a battery in the back of his car!  I'm not the hardcore nor will I ever be.  My boot is full of coats, rubbish and bags of old sandwiches that the kids haven't eaten.  I clean it out once a week when the big bin is on the drive.

I understand the need to use more veg than fruit - there's a lot less sugar and a lot less calories in veg but I need some fruit in there to stop it from tasting rank, that simple!  I will never, ever, go near a juiced beetroot - just vile.

I do worry about all of the fibre that is lost through juicing.  I'll never be able to afford a Vitamix so I have a standard juicer that my mum bought years ago.  My friend says that the squashed up dried out left over pulp is lovely in soup!!!!  Sounds like a plan!  For today and the next couple of days I'm going to focus on juicing without worrying about the fibre or the soup.  I'll be fine!

I don't actually have a plan.  I don't want to eat food through the day - I feel as though food is my enemy right now.  I want to clean up my tastebubs and clean out my mind and open myself up to a health lifestyle - at the minute I'm stuck in quick sand and it's pulling me under.  I need to cut lose and free myself from the bad habits that are literally killing me.  I'm no longer overweight, I am huge - things aren't going to change unless I make a huge effort and cutting myself off from the food that drives me to chew by chew suicide seems kind of sensible right now.

Also, there's no doubt that this isn't going to be easy, no doubt in my mind at all.  That's good though. Slimming World, Rosemary Conley and all that claim that losing weight with them is 'easy' because you can have what you want, (in moderation). Total and utter bag of shite.  What bull shit.  No diet is a diet if you can have what you want.  You don't get to be my size by exercising moderation or by 'not' eating what you want.  To change you have to really change on a psychological and molecular level.

I'm frightened but feeling OK.
Let's just see how it goes.....

Day 1 of the rest of my life?

Weighed in this morning at ***** that's the weight of a baby elephant.
I started on my fab ride to a new me the day after boxing day, stopped for about a week then started again this morning.  Yes, it's only two weeks or so since boxing day - that's about the length of my resolve.
I started doing some slimming world type thingy then thought, sod this, I want pitta breads and hummus, so decided to go all 'whole food' which just hasn't worked for me.
I feel like I need to be a 'proper' diet for it to work otherwise there are no rules to stick to!  I need rules!!!!
Wish me look comrades.

This blog is a food and thoughts diary.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Tuesday 14th January 2014

Weetabix x 2, skimmed milk and banana